i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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