Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.