I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
He kissed a someone with a penis
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
Well I just put wine in my tea
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.