Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
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The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
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Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone