I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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