life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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