how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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