Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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