dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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