The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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