I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
