The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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