I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
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i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
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