Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
