I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
