Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
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I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
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He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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