I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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