The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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