i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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