I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
