Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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