I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
