I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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