Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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