Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
