Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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