a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
