One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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