why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
