Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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