His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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