BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
