he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
