I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
