rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I think my fart just growled at me.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
