You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
