OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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