finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
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Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
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i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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