2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
