i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
