I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
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