You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
