i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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