Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I stole a fireplace last night.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
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