so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
