3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
As shirtless as possible
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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