her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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