I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
