does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
