i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
