she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
