Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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