Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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