This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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