I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
