i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
