Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
