He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
