Apparently you make a good broom.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
