He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
